Last night bored out of my mind and with the inability to sleep I got on the old Interwebs and Googled the term How to Get Over a Break Up. Maybe I was bored or maybe things really are that bad. Either way there are only so many times you can Google your own name. (FYI there is a pedophile in Georgia named Aaron Kiefer...so I guess things could be worse.) My girlfriend left me about two weeks ago and times have been a little tough. So I figured why not be proactive. I already knew the night would end with me on You Porn anyway so why not use the internet to please myself in a different way? Not necessarily surprisingly I'm not the first asshole to Google this. The first thing that came up was Cosmo's top 10 ways to get over a break up. I didn't open this one strictly because I only read Cosmo for the quizzes. Turns out I'm much more of a Kim then a Khloe! Who knew?!
After scrolling down the list on the old Google Box I found the Top 7 Ways to Get Over a Break Up by Mens Health Magazine. Now I am not a fan of men or health, but this one had a picture of a really masculine guy who looked like he would never go through any of the thoughts or feelings that I was having right now and somehow I respected that. God he's handsome! (Maybe strike that part earlier about not liking men...although still fuck you health! One life changing realization at a time.) Let's call him Gary. The list was fascinating. Some of it seemed like total horseshit and yet some of it made sense. I wish maybe I had taken the time to look at this list two weeks ago because everything on this list I fucked up. There has not been one thing that I have done right through this entire process. Thus for future reference I shall provide the list and explain what I did right and what I did wrong for every future sad bastard that happens to stumble upon these same problems.
Well this makes perfect sense. I often forget that I control everything that I think. My mind never drifts. When I wake up in the morning my mind goes to a perfectly logical spot. Same as right before I go to bed. All I have to do is find a way to control where my mind goes and I will be just fine. When I look back on my relationship I will think everything through, but will not obsess and if I start to obsess I will think of something different. We had a good run but life goes on...Every dark cloud has a silver lining...I really like this new Kanye album...why would she leave me so abruptly? I can't stop thinking about this...No, not gonna do it, you're right Gary. Change the mindset...no obsessive thinking. I'm thinking of puppies and Mozart right now Gary. It's beautiful...Puppies in a field with Mozart playing, it's glorious...I wonder if my ex girlfriend is fucking someone else? Was she fucking someone else when we were together... No, no, no!! Puppies and Mozart...Puppies and Mozart...I bet she was, that fucking...Sorry Gary...Puppies and Mozart from here on out...You know I've never really liked puppies, you know who did love puppies Gary was my...shit.
2.) Out with the old in with the new
Gary are you telling me I need to clean my room? Well fair enough my friend. Consider it done. And in all actuality it was very cleansing. It needed a deep clean. I like this suggestion. It feels nice to sleep in a room that is truly mine again. I found a couple of shirts that I really like that were hidden under the bed. I forgot how much I missed those shirts. I'm excited to wear them again...you know what else I found Gary? About 10 pairs of my girlfriends panties. That's right. Apparently when you date someone for three years they have a tendency to leave things over. So now I imagine I have an ex girlfriend who is walking around wearing no panties, which would be really hot if we were still dating, but sadly were not Gary. Maybe read the paragraph above you, you fucking dick. So now I'm stuck with 10 pairs of panties and either a trash can that's about to get really aroused or a really odd text message in my future. I'm starting to obsess again Gary...
3.) Meet new people
Oh Gary, you beautiful bastard! You finally got one in my wheel house. Meet new people? Done and done! I notice though Gary you didn't say meet new people you actually like. Or meet new people that could have a future meaning in your life. You didn't say that Gary so I've been taking this one sort of at face value. And believe you me Gary have I met some new people. They should put a plague of my face in the ladies room at the Ranch Club that says "Adequate Lover, But Exceptional At Meeting New People." Gary I don't know if your catching the metaphor here but I have "met" a lot of new people in the last two weeks. Every Tom, Dick and Harry, do they have a female equivalent for that phrase? Let's just say every Sarah, Ashley and Sarah, (why is 1 out of every 4 girls named Sarah/Sara these days?) I do well in that department Gary...and yet it's still not the equivalent. Three years and what seemed like real love is hard to find a substitute for. Sure it gets my mind off of things but only temporarily. Meeting new people is nice and yet it seems unfair to hold these girls up against what I once had. Well that and the fact that they're whores...
4.) Turn the negative into a positive
Yeah, ok, I get it. Take what is happening that is bad and find a way to make it good. Sort of like what if you feel like your getting butt fucked...but you're getting butt fucked by Peter Pan? Alright Gary you roided out sack of shit I'll give it a shot.
-We had a lot of fun together for three years...not that many people who can say that.
-Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
-Maybe I can still return that engagement ring. I kept the receipt and that could at least be beer money! (Not that much beer money. I was hoping it would be more the gesture than the ring. I wonder why I'm single now? See you soon Vista Pawn!)
-I still smoke. Good for me for not quitting. Maybe this is something I will see all the way through.
-I still have the password to her Netflix account.
-Maybe my sadness makes her cum?
-I have a blog now.
-My ability to drink copious amounts of beer after these last two weeks has taken a turn towards the impressive. Perhaps Bud Light would be interested in sponsoring this blog. (Actually the fine people over at Camel might be interested as well.)
- At least were friends now Gary...a new friend is always a positive.
5.) Meet new people, but in a different way
Gary you goddamned genius. I will never question your beautiful abs again. I have recently dipped into the internet dating pool. (And sadly I don't mean that as a really substandard metaphor.)
Step One-Post ad on Craigsilist. Anything to take my mind off everything that is going on. Remember thoroughly, not obsessively Gary, I'm doing all I can.
Step Two-Receive messages from girls on Craigslist.
Step Three-Realize that I wouldn't even fuck these women with Gary's dick.
Step Four-Realize that your 33 and posting on Craigslist for the first time since you were 27,probably shouldn't be that surprised that your getting messages from lonely 40 year old women who think your cute and funny.
Step Five-Feel awful that you don't email these women back. Realizing that you just got dumped and maybe they have been through the same process. Probably more than once.
Step Six-Jerk off. (This isn't really a vital part of the process. I just felt like it. Lay off, I'm only human.)
Step Seven-Move past your own bullshit and feel bad for humanity.
Step Eight-Realize Craigslist is not good for your psyche or anyone involved.
Step Nine-Go buy a sixer.
Craigslist is silly Gary! You should have warned me...though I knew I going in. Still a little heads up would have been nice. It's fine though. No worries pal. Plenty of fish in the sea. Wait isn't that an internet dating website? It sure is and it's completely free! Oh Gary this is perfect. I set up my nice little headline, complete my about me section, (it's funny...chicks will tottally dig this.), put up a couple of photos, (I hope the ladies like the beard), and I am locked and loaded. Navigate the site a little bit. Oh look at that they actually set up your matches based on shared interest. Let's check out my matches. This will be fun Gary...gonna find my future wife!
Match 1-Alright, not really my type. Looks aren't everything, but this is internet dating for Godsakes, gotta kind of aim for the fences.
Match 2-Better on the eyes...alright, not bad. Loves Country music? Well everyone has some faults. Loves to dirt bike? Not really my scene...but...Loves hunting and fishing? Jesus, this lady is pretty much the exact opposite of me. We have nothing in common and I don't even want to bone her. This Plenty of Fish seems a little more like Plenty of Whales Gary.
Match 3-I mean they give you like 20 matches so maybe they can't all be winners. I'm sure there is someone on this sight for me. Let's give lucky number 3 a shot! Oh would you look at that. Gary? Gary? Are you still with me buddy? You should be because Match 3 also happens to be...oh I don't know...my ex fucking girlfriend! Are you shitting me Gary?! Oh look she's online right now...perfect. She's already finding a replacement me! She's already using the internet to find a better me! She's probably talking to you right now Gary, you ab bearing tit! This was the worst fucking idea you've ever had...puppy dogs...Mozart...puppy dogs...fuck that! Check her Facebook page...Check her Facebook page...oh look she's friends now with two other dudes! These aren't dudes I've ever met Gary...do you know them? Do ya? Do you guys hang out on weekends and ball my ex girlfriend while making fun of that loser ex boyfriend of hers? How does she look? Does she ever ask about me or give a sort of half hearted effort when your making out with her. Shit.
6. Do not get drunk and dial.
Ha! To late pal. I'm typing this with one hand right now and I've been drunk since I started. Pick up the phone...pick up the phone. Why the fuck is she not...yeah I will leave a message..."Hey. So I saw you on the Plenty of Fish website. Cause I'm on there now and well...that's cool and all. I mean I know you said you didn't want to see anybody else and now you're on a dating web...it's not important. I am doing really well. Just calling to say hey. See how you're doing. I know it's late but I'm not drinking or anything. For reals. I've been reading The Bell Jar...again. I think you might really like it. It's...are you seeing someone else? Sorry. Stupid question. I just think that...yeah. I love you and...yeah. Enjoy your freedom, I'm doing fine. Honestly." Sorry Gary. My mistake. You were on to something with this one. I mean maybe when she hears the message she will...shit.
7. Remove memory triggers.
Well Gary looks like we are having an old fashioned panty burn tonight. And probably never listening to the radio again. This will be my first panty burn. Probably not yours though huh Gary. You fucking weirdo.
Well Gary thanks for the advice. It means a lot to me and I'm glad we could develop a new friendship throughout this process also...oh sorry I was checking her Facebook page again. Right don't do that...also I apologize for maybe not taking as much of your advice as I should have...why the fuck is she still online on that website...right sorry...not healthy. You know Gary I think I am going to be ok. It might take a while, I loved her a lot, but I have been through worse as a human being...I think. What can I say Gary? I believe in love and I'm sure there is someone out there for me plus...oh hold on I'm getting a text...no it's not from her. It's a picture message from a lady that I met at the Ranch Club...she's wearing nipple clips...who buys nipple clips? I kind of want to find out. Well Gary, I think we should call it a night...of course I'll give you the details tomorrow. I'm trying my best to change Gary, but you know what pal...Rome wasn't built in a day. I'll be fine...I promise I'll find a way and if not life goes on. Gary I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
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